wow, i haven’t posted in awhile. sorry for whoever was actually reading my post. don’t think anyone did. but its okay i don’t expect for anyone to read my post.
when i read back to my posts i start to cry cause nothing has changed. & i’m not going to blame anyone but myself for that problem because i never made that move to change it. i guess thats what hurts the most. when i look at myself in the mirror i just want to punch it, punch myself/ beat myself up for looking the way i do. when i look through my phone & i try to look through my contacts on who i can call to hang out or to just talk to. i just cant find anyone. i’m left alone. i really don’t know what to do anymore. i guess i rather be alone than have fake friends. i don’t have much to say because i will only be repeating myself.
2:37 pm • 5 May 2011
wow, just noticed i am not who i was. and that is not a good thing. i used to be social. now im not. i realized now that when i meet new people im quieter than i used to be. 2 years ago, it was so easy for me to meet new people. to get along and easy to start up a conversation. now i feel like i cant. i feel like im thinking too much now. i love the person i used to be. now, i just dont know. im trying to get that person back, but its just hard. i dont know what to do.
8:24 pm • 20 August 2010
“never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game”
— Hilary Duff as Sam Montgomery in “A Cinderella Story”
1:39 am • 21 April 2010
ugh. i hate posting up stupid emo shit. but i cant help it. this blog is my escape. no one knows who i am. everyday im just hoping i can go back to my old self.
10:43 pm • 19 April 2010
i miss the days when i had the people that i can talk to about anything. not only whats happening with my life when i need a cheering up but just talk about anything. i dont have that anymore because my trust is so limited that everyone around me, i cant talk to anymore. i used to have those people. its not because we stopped talking because we still talk. they just lost my trust. i hate being that person that is always down, but because i have no one to turn to but myself &this blog i’ve been that person. i hope in the near future i can find the people that i can be myself around &talk to about anything no matter what.
with some people around me, i feel like im being judged. i always have to watch what im saying. its like everything i say, is stupid. im always being made fun of or always being put down. people go to the level that shouldn’t be reached. i get it, im not the smartest girl out there. &sometimes when people talk to me, it feels like talking to a wall &i wont deny that i dont have those moment because i do. but i dont all the time. i do have moments when a person can talk to me about anything at all, but i can never have those moments because of who i am with.
i want to be myself. i want to feel like i can be myself again. i dont want to be the person that everyone sees. not a lot of people have seen the funny/serious/chill/stupid person that i am because they dont let me be that person. i just want to walk around my house &outside of my house &let people see who i really am, but i cant do that when there is no trust. my trust is so limited so i break down almost every night because i feel like im not me anymore.
i need a getaway to find myself again &&hopefully keep it. but i know once i come back from a getaway i need to put up the walls again. the walls have never been broken down, cause no one has ever tried.
2:12 pm • 21 March 2010
I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be satisfied. I don’t always have to look good, I’m not trying to make anyone else happy but myself. Like I said in my previous post, self-esteem. My biggest problem in 2009. In 2010 I’m looking to change it and keep it throughout my life. That is what I’m doing, but when you don’t have encouragement and no one by your side to help you through it, everything seems to not matter. But, I always tell myself, I need to do this alone. I need to pick myself up when no one else is around, because like this situation, I will be left alone in other situations and I can not always depend on others. I look at myself in the mirror, and tell myself “you can do it, don’t let others put you down.” Now that I say it to myself, pretty much everyday, I have to put it into action. Thats the hardest part.
5:31 am • 2 February 2010
Self-Esteem
I can’t take it anymore. My self-esteem has gone down to the point I hate looking at myself. My face is ugly, my body isn’t the way it used to be. I just wish I can go back in time when everything was easy. I never used to care what other people thought of me. For some reason, now I do. I don’t have many friends, I lost most of them. I used to think I had everything good, until now. I hate being around my family because all they do is make fun of me. I used to ignore them, but now I can’t. I try to ignore them but it has gotten to the point, where all their comments hurt. I don’t take it as a joke anymore, I take it personal, because as much as they say they are “just kidding” its true. They only say just kidding to make me feel better, but it doesn’t help whatsoever. They know its true, and I know its true. The media out there, points out to you that the only way you can survive in this cruel world is to be beautiful on the outside. No one cares whats in a person’s heart anymore. All that anyone cares about is their appearance. I have no one to turn to anymore, all I can do is try my best to be the person I am. I can say all this stuff, but I know its just going to hurt more without anyone to have your back, or to turn to. All I have is myself, which sometimes is okay, but in some occasions its never okay to be alone.
3:33 pm • 29 December 2009
There are people in your life that will leave, and there are people that will stay. For some reason, I can never find the ones that stay. They always say that they will, but in the end, they always end up leaving. They say they “promise” but that promise always seems to be broken. I dislike it when people make promises they can’t keep. Why can’t they just say that they will try instead of making promises. When people talk to me, and they say “they promise” I always have to tell them to double check, and their answer always seems to change from “I Promise” to “I’ll try.”
When I say “leave” I don’t only mean physically, but I also mean emotionally. They leave your heart to break and to never mend. People always say they are looking for love, and its because they can never find people that will never leave their heart to break. Someone can always stay spiritually and emotionally. No one can ever stay physically. When I had that someone, they were physically gone, because they had had just died, but everything he has taught me, everything he has done for me, will always stay with me. He’s helped me through all of my boyfriend break ups, he’s helped me through family problems, he’s helped me through backstabbing friends, and he’s helped me through mental problems [ ex. anorexia, bulimia]. Everything that he has helped me through, has stayed with me. His love has stayed with me because I know he loves me unconditionally. He made me promises that he knew he could make. One promise he has always kept, “I’ll try to not hurt you, I promise there will be times I do, but I promise, I don’t mean it.”
12:52 am • 25 November 2009
when you give someone your heart you trust them to not break it. for the person that receives ones heart, break the trust, it will be hard to get it back from that one person. for the person that gives their heart, once trust is broken, it gets harder to give to anyone and everyone.
12:59 am • 24 November 2009
